I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me