Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Got ya covered
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.