@ghostkrogh: me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken
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@KalvinMacleod: HER: I'm ending this ME: why? HER: you’re way too literal ME: I promise I can change HER: prove it ME: *puts on a different shirt*
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.
@_senote_: Friend: What's your favourite season? Me: Of which show? Friend: 😐 Me: 😶 Friend: 😕 Me: 😐 Me: 👀💭 Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...