me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
You Might Also Like
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.