Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.