Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.