me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
barbara was highly relatable
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I told my vodka about you.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…