me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?