(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!