Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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Hello Twits.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me