Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
You Might Also Like
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’d … I’d rather not.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
When someone trying to leave me
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?