Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
This was a bad idea all around
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”