Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT