Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava