Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
one last job
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music