I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The internet is full of many things
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Covid like
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Mornin
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl