Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
It was worth a shot 😂
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.