Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.