Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.