ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.