Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.