ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.