Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Tell the colonel to bring it
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?