@Jack_Wagon1: "What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers* "What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?"

@GroupieNo1: A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied 'thank you' before I could think.

@DonQuickoats: My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up

@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

@InternetHippo: superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts me: this is relatable as hell