@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"

@UnIxphysco: I vote for less election coverage

@ventivodkacran: When someone yells "STOP!" I never know if it's Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@NoogsCorner: I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@Laser_Cat: You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino's Frozen Pizza.