Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive