@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]

@atanenhaus: Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

@ExcuseThePuns_: What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

@Bluestmoon_: 78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@Brampersandon_: [Shark Tank] Ok hear me out. -Alright. It's an airplane made out of cats. -But why? It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet. -Please leave.