Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.