Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You Might Also Like
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?