If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
A family that plays together cheats.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know