Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.