me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.