@abbycohenwl: Me (comforting a friend who's team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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@ericsshadow: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON'S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
@markhoppus: “And what do you do?” “I play in a band” “What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?” “It’s called blink-182.” “OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
@SortaBad: what's the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing