Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.