@abbycohenwl: Me (comforting a friend who's team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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@Squeeb_Slayer: Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
@flashember: [my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it's the apple monster *fun growl sounds* DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
@Michael1979: GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
@Laser_Cat: All the girls I've ever kissed can agree on one thing. It's weird that I have a beak.