Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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Hank is one in a melon.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”