director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I wish I could veto my bills.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it