@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
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@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description? ME: It's like a big, fast dog
@haleysfalling: cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
@FunnyMojoJojo: When one door closes another one opens. ... Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work...!!