@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
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@theshamingofjay: A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
@BallsMcBallski: The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
@lawblob: son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room
@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.