I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Oh yeh? Explain this then
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game