@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have
@Sassafrantz: I found out why I'm still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
@BlindChow: 911: what's your emergency? me: what's YOUR emergency? 911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before! me: jk I've been stabbed