Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed