ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.