You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.