It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
there’s probably a fee though
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
im 7 sauces long
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer