@rachxthompson: me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
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@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@QwertyJones3: Doctor: "Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment." *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*
@PaperWash: [mugger trying to snatch Elsa's purse] Elsa: HEY LET IT GO! Mugger: OMG sing the rest
@DevilryFun: The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.