@rachxthompson: me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
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@shutupmikeginn: Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
@jake_likes_naps: [spills whole tub of salsa on cat] Oh dang [grabs chip] Hold still [cat starts running away] I SAID HOLD STILL
@LoveNLunchmeat: Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately known as "Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo."