me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us