@rachxthompson: me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
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@shegotagronk: Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@Sarcasticsapien: Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.