me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.