Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
2022 be like
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”