Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
☠️☠️☠️
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.