Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.