Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.