If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me trying to walk in a dream
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when