me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”