Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
You Might Also Like
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious