Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture