Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m not stressed
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?