Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”