@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
@aparnapkin: "Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
@TheRolo: Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to "Vintage Hams"]
Hipster: I'll take 4
@_coryrichardson: me: i can’t make it to work today
boss: why not
me: [trying to make something up] uh.... my grandmas gerbil exploded
boss: how does that keep happening
@NicestHippo: "Let's go around the room & name our biggest fears"
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
@bornmiserable: Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.