@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
@CourtneyBale: Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.
@Duke1173: As I get older and continue to meet new people... I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
@alispagnola: What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
@sbellelauren: whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person