@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
@stockejock: Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
@theshantilly: "I'm supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What's that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out."
- Virgins tonight
@shkeeber: Me: *passes ransom note*
Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?
Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive!
Mom: He's behind you.
Me: STUPID KITTY!
@writerPT: I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...
@Fred_Delicious: Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon