I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Catercrombie & Fish
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
blocked.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
#parenting