@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
@mattytalks: Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
@sweetandweak: I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@DirtMcTurd: when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
@ElleOhHell: "The new iPhone 6 is bigger!"
"It has more sensors!"
"You can block group texts."
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE