@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
@GrabTheWEness: It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
@Gooooats: My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.
@BoomBoomBetty: A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
@jwoodham: The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.
@batkaren: Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.